Over the past two to three weeks I've been given some gentle and not so gentle nudges to resume posting on my blog. As of late folks haven't been shy about sharing their opinions, the general tone and vibe being "I have a loved one with cancer that was following you- you helped them and now you've stopped, why?" Gulp. "People with and without cancer were identifying with you- I get that you stepped away for a bit but it's kinda selfish you stopped- people do care about you, at least let people know how you're doing". Double gulp. Honesty can sting sometimes.
I guess I could use the easy excuse (which in part has some truth) that the People.com article, CBS piece with Scott Rapaport and Stephanie Stahl said everything that I set out to say with regards to managing cancer. The excuses could extend to "I've been working a lot" and "I have the worst laptop ever...". I suppose I could continue to list the excuses.
The truth is I was wrestling a bit with my diagnosis and trying to find my way through some challenging times. Despite everything going very well with immunotherapy the words 'non-cureable' weighed heavily on me. For those out there who are trying to manage a difficult diagnosis I think you'll know what I mean when I say that I was 'stuck in my own head'. I thought that I had my fight with cancer figured out- as it turns out I had lost my way. It took a few weeks for me to realize that I manage my disease best when I am helping others. It's easy to fall into an egocentric trap when your 'sick' (which is what I did) but that isn't the answer- helping others is much better for the soul. If I let anyone down my sincerest apologies..."all who wander are not lost", JRR Tolkien. No doubt that I was wandering a bit; we are all human. Peace, Dave